Happy Sports Solstice! May this stretch lead to a healthy, happy hibernation

The best stretch of the sports calendar is officially upon us, so grab your loosest pair of sweatpants, set some relationship boundaries, load up on snacks and beverages, and settle in for a cornucopia of entertainment. All five major sports are in season, with MLB a game away from the World Series, NBA opening night, the early stages of the NHL, and the girthiest parts of the soccer and football seasons underway. I don’t even know where I’m going with this; I just wanted to write about something positive to start my week.

Only the purest of gluttons (or the singlest of men) have the stomach (or free time) to hit the buffet for seconds. Hell, I’ve got half a mind to pull a chair up to the prime rib carving station and ask the cook to feather strips of bleeding cow into my mouth, with a shot glass of grease and sinew to chase it all down.

Hand me my goblet and pray to the gods that I ingest enough red meat, wine, and game recaps to contract gout before the calendar turns to November. Even if your baseball team has been in Aruba for a month, or your football squad is playing like they want to be, the basketball and hockey seasons are unsullied, and your preferred European soccer club is alive in at least one obscure tournament.

You know those weird business parties where a naked body doubles as a sushi tray? That’s what this is, but there are still rolls on parts of the flesh you’d feel comfortable eating a piece of raw fish off of. Thank the lord for the sports solstice because how else would people survive the cold, short months of the year without the warm glow of a television?

Gorge yourself now, and it will sustain you until pitchers and catchers report, or the hours in the day are long enough to sneak in nine after work.